Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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