how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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