I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
