Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
