He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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