I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
