if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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