Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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