I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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