he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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