When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
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