I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
