You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
