I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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