i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
