i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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