now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
