we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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