If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
