new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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