this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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