Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
