You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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