i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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