he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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