I wish life had little blips of pornography
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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