Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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