My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
