Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
