I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
