I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
