So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
