A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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