I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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