I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
