Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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