I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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