Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize
