In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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