I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
