I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
