Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
