he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
vagina is talking i cant
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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