my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
