Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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