You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
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