i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
