This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
birth control should be required to get into college
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
