"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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