We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
We just shotgunned beers for America
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
