My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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