Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
